It felt like the same feeling all over again—the kind you get when something seems within your reach yet remains impossible to hold.
It was an unusual kind of torture. You were seated just inches away from me, yet it felt as though we were miles apart, much farther than the single table separating us. What surprised me most was that whenever I turned around, I had a perfectly clear view of you. I couldn't tell whether it was intentional or simply a coincidence that my seat happened to face yours so well.
It wasn't just a chance encounter, either. From the moment we stepped out of the service vehicle—soaked from the nonstop rain—it was you I looked for first. Not the registration booth. Not my teammates. Not my officemates.
You.
And, lo and behold, I caught a glimpse of you.
It had been more than a week since I last saw you in person, and I had to stop myself from walking over. Once again, there was nothing between us but a few meters and a clear path, yet I couldn't bring myself any closer. That realization alone was enough to drain every bit of strength from me.
You were surrounded by your teammates. After what felt like forever, I saw you smile. I saw you laugh.
The only difference was that I was no longer the reason for either.
I could only hope you looked my way, though I never saw any sign that you did. Every time I turned around, it was simply because I wanted to see you again. Just knowing you were there somehow made the distance hurt even more.
Then, unexpectedly, our paths crossed.
I had just stepped out of the washroom when you walked past. I froze. It took me a second to realize it was actually you, and by then I had no idea what I was supposed to do. I wanted to chase after you. I wanted to call your name.
But I was terrified that you'd turn me away.
Maybe even in front of everyone.
When the games started, every time I caught sight of you, you were smiling. You were laughing with your teammates.
I had brought our tumbler, just in case you needed a drink. I carried the little handheld fan you had given me only a few weeks earlier, hoping you might need it if the afternoon became too hot.
I was still carrying all the little ways I knew how to take care of you.
I was ready for you that day.
Truthfully, I'd been ready for you for a long time.
But none of it mattered.
The games went on without us being our own version of Peeta and Katniss. Fate didn't intervene. We weren't assigned to the same team, nor did we even end up competing against each other.
By lunchtime, we were lining up on opposite sides of the event hall. It's funny how, even without my glasses—which I desperately need most of the time—I could still find you in a crowd. I always knew where you were, who you were with, and who had been taking up most of your time.
That became a double-edged sword.
I was happy to see you doing well. Happy to see you smiling. Happy to see that you were still the beautiful woman I had fallen in love with.
But every smile came with the same thought.
That should've been me beside you.
The second half of the event came and went. I wasn't myself anymore, and I wasn't in the mood to socialize, so I walked out into the rain and wandered around the rest of the theme park.
A few teammates joined me before long. We spent some time at the shooting range and rode bicycles around the grounds.
If I'm being completely honest, part of me hoped I'd get into an accident.
The rain had made the track slippery, and I rode as fast as I could, almost daring fate to do something.
To be fair, I did crash.
I slipped at one of the roundabouts.
The injury, unfortunately, was barely enough to notice.
And that's when I caught myself thinking:
Do I really want to hurt myself just to get your attention?
Frankly...
I did.
We spent the rest of the afternoon biking through the rain. By the time we returned, the program was already ending.
An hour later, after resting for a while, I decided to look for you again.
There you were, waiting in line for the bicycles with your friends. I watched from a distance as you rode around the park, and I couldn't help but think, once again, that I should've been there with you.
Knowing it had been raining, I quietly let one of your friends know that I had brought spare clothes for you, just in case you needed them.
When it was finally time to leave, I tried one last time.
I stood near the exit, hoping you'd come by. Eventually, you and your friends did. You waited there for your ride while I stayed where I was, silently hoping the universe would give us even a minute.
Then our vehicle arrived.
I had to grab my things.
As I walked past you, you simply shifted aside, as though I were just another stranger passing by—not someone who knew your heart by heart.
I made it obvious.
I wanted you to stop me.
But the silence stayed with us until we both walked out of that event hall.
A day meant for building relationships passed by without rebuilding ours.
I know you had fun. I know you were surrounded by people who cared about you. And honestly, I'm grateful they were there to help you through whatever it is we're going through.
I suppose the only way I'll get to see your smile again is through the official photos they'll eventually release.
 |
| One of the official photos they released. Not mine, but nevertheless, I was happy to see you smile in these photos, Dani. |
God...
I miss you.
And I don't know how else to end this entry except with the truth.
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