Man, That was Stupid

I skipped therapy tonight.

Not because I forgot. Not because I got busy.

I skipped because I honestly felt like I could no longer be helped.

One stupid mistake.

That's all it took.

Months of trying to put myself back together, trying to make up for the things I've done, trying to become someone better than the person I was. Tonight, it felt like all of that turned back into dust.

I hate what I did.

More than that, I hate that I already knew it was wrong before I did it.

I have no one else to blame.

If you've been reading this blog, then you already know I haven't been doing well lately. I can't remember the last time I could honestly say I was happy. I've been trying to reach out in every way I knew how, and somewhere along the way, I became desperate enough to believe that getting a reaction was better than getting nothing at all.

Last Friday, I tried one way.

Today, I tried another.

Both were wrong.

There are no excuses for either.

The sad part is, I knew exactly what I was doing. I knew there was a good chance it would only make things worse. I did it anyway.

Earlier today, we had a lecture at work about creativity—about finding different ways to approach a problem.

Funny.

I guess I got creative.

I just applied it in the worst way possible.

And now, here I am again.

Another mistake.

Another apology that probably means less than the last one.

Another fire that I started myself.

What hurts the most isn't that people will judge me.

They should.

What hurts the most is knowing that people don't get to see guilt. They don't get to see regret. They don't get to see someone lying awake replaying the same few minutes over and over, wishing they could go back and stop themselves.

They only get to see what I did.

Maybe that's how it should be.

After all, if I were in their shoes, I'd probably do the same.

I've spent weeks trying to redeem myself from the mistakes I've made.

Tonight, it feels like I buried all of that with another one.

It's hard not to wonder if every step forward I've taken was only temporary. It's hard not to think that maybe this is just who I am—that no matter how much I try to change, I eventually find another way to hurt the people around me.

I don't know.

Maybe that's just guilt talking.

Maybe it isn't.

All I know is that I don't like the person I see right now.

I don't expect anyone reading this to understand me.

Honestly, I don't think I'd understand me either.

This isn't me asking for sympathy. If anything, I think I've exhausted whatever little of that I still deserved.

I just needed somewhere to leave these thoughts before they consumed me completely.

Tonight, this page gets to carry them.

Because I don't think I can.

But tomorrow? I don't know what tomorrow looks like.

I only know that I hope the version of me reading this someday is grateful that tonight wasn't the end of the story.