Life of Brian

The last time I sent you something through this, I sent my hopes of winning you back. I couldn't help but think that now could be something different.

For starters, I haven't written anything like this for quite a long while. I have been preoccupied with work, my struggles, and the things that I did in between; although mostly that would be work - being that I had quite a time trying to distract myself from the things that have been hurting me.

I tried doing therapies, or "receiving" rather. I said "tried" because I never continued them enough to be successful, I haven't had a taste of that success, sweet victory, and I couldn't even bother to ask why because in itself, that would be another way of contemplating - something that I had been trying to miss.

But still, it has been a "hit and miss". Life has been a hit and miss. It's a mess. By now, the penultimate conclusion I might have to give to this would be to distance myself from anyone. Luckily, COVID taught us we could do that, and at that, for a very long time. I've had this verse in my head that I just couldn't continue, probably something mental, but here it went, "Gone are the party hats, we're doing birthdays in facial masks...".

I've made up catchy verses before, I should know when I saw one. But, going back, a lot has been written about love, and the absence of it. Funnily enough, I came across two songs last night connected through Paul McCartney. One was something McCartney wrote but was given to Peter and Gordon, "A World Without Love". The longing of the composer was disguised through the upbeat music. Happy chords, grievous chords. In the end, the song would beg its listeners, "Would you be brave enough to live in a world without love?"

The next one would be "God Only Knows" by The Beach Boys, a masterpiece from Brian Wilson. Paul McCartney had praised the song and the album where it came from multiple times, one that inspired him to create his own masterpiece, "Sgt. Pepper's Lonely Hearts Club Band". In "God Only Knows", another mystery was raised, "What could I be without you? God Only Knows."

I've officially entered a quarter of life, though I wouldn't be expecting to reach a full century. And at this point, I've come to realize that I might not be fully equipped to be with someone, to be someone's someone.

At best, I'm a distraction. At worst, I'm the destruction.

Without love, and without you, what could one person really be?

God only knows.

It's always been me.

 Yesterday was evaluation day at work.

It was the day that my colleagues and I had been waiting for. It was that chance to sell ourselves to the managers, and big bosses as we scream, "Hey, boss. Here are the things that you made me do for the past year. Also listed are some things I did that were well beyond what's should be expected off of me."

I should be sad, and mad, being that I had been drained for so long and I should be giving more time to myself, to my friends, and loved ones (cliche as it is), instead of giving more time to my work.

But thinking about it now, I'm the same tired working-class hero from a year ago, I'm sad, but I'm not mad. I believe that the past year has taught me much, more than what I had during the first year and a half of my professional career. And I will always be thankful for that. Don't bite the hand that feeds you, eh?

And to be completely honest, life has not given me many options. Beggars cannot be choosers.

With that, I'd like to say that not everything from that evaluation seemed to be true. 

From someone verily deeply close to my heart told me during an argument that I haven't moved an inch from where I was months ago. I'd still get toxic over petty things; I'd still get mad over unnecessary things even if I'd rather be on the opposite side of the argument.

It had been said multiple times, "Nothing is forever," and "Change is always inevitable". However, I'd started thinking about the opposite of changing for the better.

What if I am changing, but I am vastly, but gradually, having my decline?

Tomorrow is today. Tomorrow is today.